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The New Hip Military Recruiter: “Dude! Yo, ‘Sup?”

Military Recruiter must be the most thankless job in the country right now. If you don’t meet certain recruitment quotas you go back to the front lines. But who in the F#$%&!#! would want to enlist now? Even those ever-reliabl e minorities are staying away in droves.

They keep raising the age limit and lowering their recruitment standards, but that ship has sailed. By now, every 42-year-old drug-addicte d couch potato with a police record who might want to enlist probably already has.

The recruiters newest tactic is to try connecting with Generation Y by getting familiar with their music and memorizing their current slang. Oooookay. Good luck with that one.

Anybody remember the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers? The author, Gilbert Shelton, continued writing into the 1990s but their popularity peaked in the early ‘70s. One of the strip’s funniest characters was Notorious Norbert the Narc. He’d put on a wig and a psychedelic T-shirt and try to infiltrate groups of hippies so he could bust them. But no matter how he tried to disguise himself or how much hippie slang he could recite, he still had NARC stamped all over him. “Wow man, I need a hit of acid man, anybody know where I can score some shit man?”

Needless to say, he never made a bust, and I’m guessing these text messaging Green Day-listenin g recruiters won’t be doing much better.

Last spring some recruiters attended a slide show called “The Road to a 2025 Total Force: Talkin’ ‘bout Their Generation. Quiet now, no laughing.

The person presenting the slide show referred to Generation Y (aka “Millennia ls”) as “narcissis tic praise junkies” and “an alien life force.” In order to help them communicate with this newfangled younger generation, recruiters were given a pop quiz where they had to identify members of Green Day and the Black Eyed Peas and demonstrate knowledge of emoticons and text messaging.

During the slide show a voiceover says: “Teach them. Guide them. Mentor them. Bullshit them, and they will just walk away.”

Like so.

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